every little bit…

I still question if I am living my most authentic life. There are elements of my life that feel exhilarating; that feel fulfilling; that feel like I am doing the thing that I always knew I would be doing.

But there are moments when I wonder if I’m playing out of someone else’s playbook. I wonder if I could commit myself wholly to yoga, to selflessness, to ecology, to compassion in all areas of my life.

I think it’s time to stop second-guessing myself. One thing that has always remained about me is my inability to perform in ways that is inauthentic to who I am and what I feel. I have always been stubbornly honest and wholly real – thus authentic.

Authentic, yes. But also wanting to belong. Before I awoke, before I understood how to think about things, how to question them, I accepted many things, many ideas, many behaviors that I understand now as unacceptable. I still wish I were different, further along, but I am on my way and for that, I should feel some comfort…

Self-acceptance is harder than it looks. But I’m working on it. As difficult as the journey is, it still feels wonderful to be alive, to question what to do with my time, to wonder if I’m living my best life. I look forward to answering my own questions.

I Wasn’t a Feminist

My mother is a stubborn woman; a free-spirited, fiery, foul-mouthed broad who still doesn’t know when to back down. When my sister and I were young, not yet precocious pre-teens, she would tell us how the Bible demeaned women. She would tell us how, in the eyes of Christian men, a wife was the property of her husband and women were portrayed as mindless devils out to deceive the men of the world. It was impressed upon us how awful it was to be born female – the agony of periods and childbirth, the ways in which the world worked against us, how we would always be underestimated because of our gender. As a chubby kid who often wished I was thin and blonde like my sister, I also alternatively wished I would have been born a boy.

Continue reading

A Little Lost, A Little Found

I’m a bull-headed woman; incongruously independent; unrelenting, unforgiving and undeterred about achieving my objectives – once they have been soulfully decided and moved upon. I say this as a kind warning. Telling me what I should do, reminding me of my responsibilities, and insinuating that I might not have examined a decision from all angles is sure to bring out my harshest qualities. Commitment to any idea, notion, movement, or philosophy is not something I take lightly; it cannot be done with frivolity. I may talk about this or that, but talk is cheap. When my actions begin to line up with my words – then you can be sure that my heart is wholly engaged. Like stopping a speeding train, only a catastrophe is likely to derail me.

Continue reading

Whole Truths, Half Truths, and Bald-faced Lies

Yesterday I wrote about the trinity of my family – honesty, vulnerability, and kindness – and like most other people, after I finished the entry the theme stayed with me. I thought about some of the ways that I hadn’t been honest, vulnerable, or kind. I also reflected on many of the ways that I had observed my actions and made a conscionable effort to live more in line with my values. It’s easy, so easy, to get caught up in all the wrong we do, in all the ways we don’t walk our talk – at least it is for me. Life is our greatest teacher, but what good are the lessons if you forget them afterwards?

Until very recently, one could say that I was not living honestly. Continue reading

Don’t Lose Heart, Little One

Honesty, vulnerability, and kindness are the trinity that rule my home. When you’ve got a situation where kids outnumber adults (3:1), I learned pretty quickly that the best way to get all of us to work together is to be honest, even when it hurts and always try to be kind to each other (my youngest is naturally the kindest of us all). It can be difficult when you’ve got an emotional, imaginative (see: Pisces; Cancer Ascending) middle child (who happens to be the only boy) combating with a somewhat inflexible, protective (Capricorn; Pisces Ascending) older sister. The most effective diversion tactic for an argument? Ten pushups and a 45 second hug. It only takes about 15 seconds before one or both of them to start smiling and the transgression is (mostly) forgotten. They are who they are, individually, and we’re working to find a way to coexist amongst our differences.

My first baby is tweening right now. She’s ten, so we’re barely approaching the event horizon, but the hallmarks are there. She has questions about the world, the town in which we currently reside, and people. Continue reading