Lighter Notes

I’m pretty psyched that the end of 2016 is quickly approaching. This year was a lot; a lot of change, of uncertainty, of everything being up in the air. It challenged me to learn, to be my best self, to figure out what I really wanted. With all the bullshit, I still managed to meet the most amazing, loving, supportive, present man and fall crazily in love with him – and he with me. The months with him have passed so quickly. Seeing how he interacts with my children, how he guides them, advises them, and befriends them blows me away. There is a knowing, a safety, and a comfort being with him. He’s my present and my future. I’m set.

Work is coming together. I’m enjoying what I do, I’ve reclaimed my passion for my industry. I’m no longer seeking a way out, but a way to make myself more useful in my profession. This is a blessing. I have found my calling and at 30, I have a blossoming career.

I’ve been lucky enough to be part of a good group of women and to develop friendships with some of them. I am easing into these relationships, as I am cautious and reminded of the some traumatic events from years passed. I want to allow people to become close to me, but not for their amusement or malicious benefit. I will wait, patiently observing behaviors to determine the safety of the situation. Extreme? Maybe.

 

My next three major goals:

  • Reclaim my physical health by maintaining a weekly workout regime and healthful eating habits
  • Raise my GPA to a 3.0 by graduation
  • Eliminate credit card debt, a car payment, and begin to build a savings nest.

 

What I will not do is allow my children or my romantic relationship to suffer. After everything that has happened this year, my priority will always be to protect my children and ensure that my guy feels loved and appreciated. Without him, I may have given up here and returned to a life I hated, but was comfortable in. He saved me more than he knows or is willing to admit. I am a feminist, do not be mistaken, and he is a man who is strong enough to support me in that and kept pointing me in the right direction, even without directly telling me what to do. He saved me by being there, physically and emotionally, by having my back and being my safe place when I felt like everything was crumbling around me.

This is everything I’ve been asking for. I am grateful, humbled, and amazed by my good fortune.

How to Evolve….

I’ve not ever been a dedicated yogi. When I first became interested fifteen years ago, it was because it was easier and more charming than lifting weights in a gym or doing a zillion crunches on the threadbare carpet of my bedroom. I was entranced with backbends and splits for oh-so-obvious (read: stupid) reasons. I’ve dipped my toe into the water to see how I like the feel of things, but generally stayed out of the pool because I was afraid I’d be found out as a fraud. Until three years or so ago my practice was much more for the beauty of the poses and for how limber it kept me. It had nothing to do with spirituality, nothing to do with reaching for the higher self, or personal evolution. It was superficial then. Continue reading

Hello again

Oh, it’s been awhile since I’ve written – here or anywhere. I’ve finally finished River Boys and it will be submitted some time in the next few days for a short short story contest. Though I am proud of the Wolf and I –  she is unfinished and requires more time to coalesce – I am fully in love with River Boys because it feels complete. It is the first story that I’ve ever felt was whole just as it is, every word sings with meaning and purpose. To me, it is perfect.

Life has been interesting this past month and I’ve relished the busy-ness of it. My kids are all doing something to cultivate personal growth and community involvement and by proxy, I am becoming more involved in a town I wasn’t so sure I belonged. I, too, have been afforded the opportunity to grow into myself – due to the grace and openness of friends and family and a new yoga home. I am making my place.

More than anything lately, I’m gaining a sense of clarity around who I really am and what I really want and the lengths I’m willing to go to get it.  I’m finding validity in who I am – this creative, sometimes spastic, multi-directional, emotional entity – and coming to peace with being imperfect and human. I know that’s probably a strange statement but so many of us feel that way without being able to formulate the words to express just that.

I’m excited.

Are you?

If not, find that which excites you and go after it. You deserve as much.